


until we get there

by jackiednp



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009 Phan, First Meetings, Fluff, Getting Together, M/M, Reality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-08
Updated: 2018-05-08
Packaged: 2019-05-04 01:26:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14581905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jackiednp/pseuds/jackiednp
Summary: dan and phil meet for the first time





	until we get there

Dan can tell just how scared he looks by the faded reflection of panicky brown eyes in the window of a train heading towards Manchester.

The flashing of trees and fields and houses on the other side of the glass feels distant where he’s sat, constantly chewing at the inside of his bottom lip. He’s terrified. His reflection confirms it as he catches a glimpse of a boy with a black jacket and rosy cheeks picking at his nails. 

The woman sat across from him is looking at him worriedly. She has been for the entire ride, and Dan pretends not to see it but he does. She probably means well, with her slightly wrinkly hands and neatly painted nails folded in her lap, but if Dan told her where he was going and  _ why _ he was going there, she’d never understand. No one did. Dan wasn’t even sure if  _ he _ did.

He drags the palms of his hands down his black jeans and tries to swallow the lump in his throat. 

A mundane voice tells him that they’ll be arriving at manchester train station shortly and he shifts in his seat for the millionth time. His throat feels thick and his stomach feels funny; empty and vacant but also filled to the brim and he thinks ‘ _ I’m going to be sick’ _ for the tenth time that minute. The woman unfolds her hands and reaches for her bag. She shoots him another kind look and Dan ignores it.

He fumbles for his backpack and grabs a steady hold on the strap of it, the black fabric crunching underneath his grip as he flings it up on his knees. His knuckles whiten and he takes a few deep breaths but it doesn’t do  _ shit _ to make his heart beat any slower or to stop his hands from shaking. 

Dan actually thinks he’s going to be sick just as they come up next to the platform and he curses under his breath because  _ holy fucking shit fucking holy fuck. _ It’s time. 

The woman gets up before him. Their eyes meet and she opens her mouth as to say something, but she closes it again and Dan looks away. He’s not interested in talking and apparently she understands because she places her bag over her shoulder and turns around. 

He stands up just as the train comes to a stop. There’s a lot of people in front of him and he’s not really in any rush to get out, and even if he’s desperately trying to keep his knees and hands from shaking, he thinks it’s going to be okay. At least that’s what he’s telling himself as the people in front of him start moving, and his feet follow.

His phone vibrates then. 

His heart takes a leap out of his chest and creeps its way into his throat and he can feel every drop of blood in his veins start to boil. Slowly, as if time stands still, Dan slips his hand into his pocket and pulls out his phone to read the text.

_ from: phil<3 _

_ ‘i can’t see you anywhere D:’ _

Dan lets out a short laugh. It’s a sound made purely from the raw mixture of anxiety, nausea and fear inside of him and it must sound desperate because a middle aged man in front of him turns around to glare at him. Dan smiles awkwardly, thinking,  _ sorry I am literally about to die any second now,  _ and tries to ignore everything else while he reads the words over and over and over again. 

Somehow, and he’s really not sure how, the insecure words actually calms him down in a way. It’s happening. He’s here.

_ to: phil<3 _

_ ‘i’m stuck behind a bunch of people on the train, will probably be the last one out -.-’ _

It barely takes a few seconds until his phone buzzes again.

_ from: phil<3 _

_ ‘if you’re not here you better tell me now so i can flee with my dignity intact’ _

Dan smiles. The queue moves forward and Dan follows, agonisingly slow, and all he really wants is to get out of the cramped space, so that he can breathe fresh air again and maybe wrap his head around what’s actually happening. His backpack sits heavy over his shoulders, and his heart sits heavy in his gut. 

_ to: phil<3 _

_ ‘i’ll be out soon :]]’ _

The queue of people inches forward just as he catches a glimpse of the door that leads down to the platform and his phone buzzes again. His stomach drops as he reads the text. 

_ from: phil<3 _

_ ‘you better not give up on me before you even see me irl<//3’ _

It’s the fact that Phil even believes for a second that Dan would give up on all of this, that the thought even crosses his mind, makes Dan’s gut twist. Yeah, sure, Dan thinks, they don’t really know each other for real, but they also  _ do _ know each other, and sure, maybe all of this is inside their heads but it’s also  _ so fucking real _ . He can feel it in his bones. 

_ to: phil<3 _

_ ‘i’ll never give up on you, ever’ _

Just as he hits ‘send’, his foot hits solid ground. This is it.

His hands are shaking. There are people everywhere, too many people, and the tightness in his chest grows heavier for every second that ticks by. The air is hard to breathe. The straps on his backpack are pulling at his shoulders and suddenly, as if the whole train station is glaring right at him, everything feels overwhelming. 

Someone bumps into his shoulder and Dan spins his head around, searching for a black fringe that he’s only ever seen through a computer screen and maybe this isn’t a good idea and maybe he should go back to Wokingham before he ruins everything and maybe–

His heart stops as their eyes meet. 

Neither of them can find it in them to move. Dan only stares. He’s not that far away but he’s not really close either and there are at least ten people in between them but they don’t matter. He’s real. 

Phil starts walking as Dan stumbles a few steps forward and before he knows it they’re standing so close that they can actually reach out and touch each other. 

It’s real. He’s real.

“Hi,” Phil says and his hands are in his pockets and his shoulders are dragged up towards his ears and he looks  _ so nervous _ that Dan forgets just how terrified he’d been moments before. Phil’s fringe falls in front of his eyes and he flicks his head back.

Dan lets out a huffed laugh.

“Hey,” he mumbles, and his heart is beating so roughly that he’s afraid it’s actually going to break his ribs. It’s different now than before, though. He feels a warm feeling spreading through him with every beat, a soft and gentle feeling of serenity, because it’s him and this is real and  _ holy fucking fuck does he look good _ . 

He feels awkward, but he also feels like he can’t  _ not _ ask, and so he looks down and sways a little as he says, “Is- is it alright if I hug you?”

Phil chuckles, his eyes crinkling, and he nods. Without a word, he pulls Dan in for a hug, draping his arms around Dan and squeezing tightly. 

It’s soft and sweet and so,  _ so _ healing, and Dan falls and falls and falls until Phil lets go and he’s forced to stand on his own again.  _ I never want you to let go of me _ , Dan thinks as he looks up into those deep eyes and he wants to say it but he won’t. Not yet. 

“You’re so warm,” Phil says then, and his hand lingers slightly on Dan’s arm. “I always figured you’d feel cold but you’re really warm and soft and just- wow.” 

Dan giggles and Phil lets his hand wander from his arm and lightly graze Dan’s hand before he puts it back in his pocket. Dan’s heart flutters.

“You’re so much taller than I thought you’d be.” Dan says, because it’s true, and then he giggles. 

Phil smiles back at him and Dan feels more alive than he’s ever done before.

 

 

Later, when they’re sprawled out over Phil’s sofa and Dan is laughing about a joke that wasn’t even really funny, neither of them feel close to nervous anymore. 

Dan’s backpack is lazily thrown in the corner of Phil’s bedroom, and his phone, that’s been untouched for hours, is laying somewhere under the checkered blue and green covers. His hoodie is thrown across the floor, fitting right in with Phil’s mess of clothes, and Dan feels more at home with Phil than he’s ever done anywhere before.

His head is resting in Phil’s lap. His eyes are closed even though the movie they’re watching is playing and he can’t seem to focus on anything but Phil’s fingers running through his hair. It’s calming. If his heart wasn’t beating so roughly he’d probably be sleeping, but he won’t allow himself drift off. He wants to spend every single moment awake, just to make sure that this isn’t some weird fever dream.

“Are you asleep?” Phil whispers then, his voice low and raspy and Dan can’t help but smile.

“Yes.”

Phil chuckles. “Liar.”

“That’s why you like me, though,” Dan says.

“It’s not.”

Dan cracks his eyes open to look at Phil. His glance is fixed on the movie they’d put on just to have something playing in the background, but he’s pretty sure that Phil’s not paying any real attention to it.  

Dan hums and shuffles his head a little in the other’s lap. “Then why do you like me?” 

Phil looks down at him and their eyes meet.

“I don’t,” Phil says, dead serious, but breaks into giggles a few seconds later. Dan grins as he hits him lightly on the chest and pouts, his eyes crinkling. 

“I hate you.”

Dan moves to get up then, partly to prove a point put also to keep himself awake, and Phil looks at him with his brows furrowing. “Don’t get up.”

“I’ll fall asleep if you keep doing that,” Dan explains, and he looks at Phil with puffy and tired eyes. “And it’s like what, 3 am? Maybe, if you’d like to, we could continue watching the movie upstairs? Or, y’know, we could just go to bed.”

Phil’s mouth twitches and he nods, leaning forward to grab the remote in order to turn the movie off. “Come on,” he says then, as he gets up from the sofa and holds his hand out for Dan to take. 

He also looks tired, his eyelids drooping over his sparkling eyes, but he still manages to look good. Dan takes his hand, butterflies buzzing to life in his stomach, and he follows Phil quietly through the dark corridors and up the stairs. 

When Phil closes the bedroom door behind them, Dan exhales a shaky breath.

He is nervous, but it’s okay because Dan can tell that Phil is too. He can tell on the way that Phil lingers a few seconds too long by the door, and when he turns around again he places his hand to the back of his neck.

He stays there, looking at Dan and smiling, but it’s careful and vague and it’s almost like he doesn’t want to take anything too far. It’s not until then that Dan realizes that Phil is waiting for him to take the first step; to confirm that both of them are waiting for the same thing.

Dan walks up to his backpack and rummages through it until he finds his pyjamas, and even though he doesn’t really want to wear them he figures that it’s rude not to.

“So...” he murmurs as he turns around, holding a pair of black trousers and his weird cat t-shirt in his hands. “Should I sleep in the guest room, or..?”

Phil walks up to his bed and starts tugging at the duvet with his back towards Dan. 

“I- uhm, I can fix up the sofa-bed in the office if, if you’d like to sleep in there,” he says.

“Isn’t that the room where the light doesn’t work?” 

Phil turns around and their eyes meet.

“Yeah,” he says. “but you could, I mean if- if you want to, you can sleep in here. Like, I can sleep on the floor if that-”

“I won’t force you to sleep on the floor, Phil.” Dan interrupts and takes a step forward. He drops his gaze to the duvet that Phil had neatly folded and chuckles nervously. “Isn’t the bed big enough? I mean, it’s not a problem for me to sleep next to you.”

Phil cranes his neck to look back at him with a soft smile tugging at the corner of his lips, and he flicks his head back to rid his eyes off of his fringe.

“Uh yeah, sure- just, just as long as you’re fine with it, I just didn’t want you to think that I had some weird intention or, yeah well, you know- It’s just-”

“Oh, shut up. I know you only invited me to get me into your bed.” Dan smirks.

Phil presses his lips together and fully turns around so that they’re facing each other. “It’s not like that.”

“You really don’t catch up on irony when you’re nervous, you know.” They’re close now, only one or two small steps apart, and the air feels electric as they’re staring at each other. 

Phil takes a step forward and Dan can feel his chest tighten and his heart beating, and just as he’s sure that something is about to happen – Phil clears his throat and the tension is broken. Dan can’t help but feel slightly let down.

“I’m gonna go and brush my teeth,” Phil mumbles awkwardly, and takes that last step forward, passing Dan and heading for the door. “Don’t know about you, but I don’t like having stinky breath.”

Dan only chuckles in response, but he walks up to his backpack and digs up his toothbrush. Phil has left the room when he turns around, and he takes a deep breath before he follows him into the bathroom.

They brush their teeth, banging their elbows together and giggling with toothpaste foam everywhere, and even if they’re nervous it also feels like it’s such a long time coming. As Phil sets down his toothbrush, Dan feels the butterflies in his stomach come back to life and he thinks, ‘ _ It’s actually happening’, _ as they leave the bathroom together.

Phil is the one to lie down first.

He keeps his shirt on but steps out of his jeans on the way to the bed and throws them to the side, and Dan finds himself staring as Phil climbs under the covers. He’s only in his pants, and Dan thinks that maybe he doesn’t need the trousers anyway because Phil isn’t wearing any, and his heart skips a beat as he thinks of bare legs tangled together.

Slowly, he pulls his shirt over his head and tosses it to the side. He’s facing away from Phil but can still feel the intense stare from the other side of the room, and he tries not to think about it too much because it’s exactly that;  _ too much _ . 

He pulls the cat shirt over his shoulders and unbuttons his jeans, and with a shudder he drags them off his legs and turns around to face the bed. 

Phil is staring at him. His mouth is hanging open just the slightest and it takes a few seconds until he collects himself enough to look away. Dan can feel his cheeks burning and he takes the few steps left to the bed, his heart beating so roughly in his ears that he honestly thinks he’ll explode. 

Phil looks back up at him just as he comes to a stop in front of the bed and lifts the duvet as to invite Dan in. Dan smiles and climbs in underneath, but he doesn’t move in as close to Phil as he really wants to; instead he simply lies down on his back and twists his head to look at Phil.

Their eyes meet, and Dan tries to remember how to breathe.

“I’m really glad you came,” Phil murmurs quietly, as if they are the only two people in the world. It feels like they are.

“Me too.” Dan smiles. “It feels so surreal to be here, in your bedroom, next to you.”

Phil hums in agreement and then there’s silence. Dan counts Phil’s breaths and he closes his eyes. After a few moments of nothing and everything all at once, Phil shuffles a bit closer and Dan holds his breath.

“Is… is it alright if I..?” Phil mumbles just as Dan can feel fingers ghosting along Dan’s stomach, and he sucks in a sharp breath. 

He nods.

Phil moves in even closer, pressing his body to Dan’s side, and Dan can’t believe this is happening. He’s still laying on his back but facing Phil, and Dan can feel the humid puffs of breath land on his face as Phil moves closer. It’s comforting and calming, but at the same time it’s incredibly hot.

“Turn around,” Phil says then, the dominance in his voice making something twinge inside of Dan, and he obeys; shuffling slightly and turning away from Phil. 

Phil snakes his arm around Dan then, pressing his body tight against Dan’s back, and they fit perfectly, as if they were always meant to lay just like that. Their legs are tangled together and Phil’s torso is pressed so close to Dan, and he curses himself for not being braver and taking his shirt off. He wanted this to be skin on skin. 

They’re pressed so close, as close as they possibly can, but it’s still not enough. Not for either of them. He wants more, he wants this always, forever, and not just for two days that will pass in what will most likely feel like seconds. 

They’ve waited so long for this and now that it’s here, it feels like everything he’d ever dreamt of. Dan doesn’t want to think about it, but it’ll be over soon. Too soon. 

They are quiet for some time, and Dan thinks that Phil might’ve fallen asleep when he decides to say it. It’s risky, and if Phil’s asleep it won’t be as dangerous, but Dan feels like he has to say it. If he doesn’t, he’ll burst. 

“I never want you to let go of me,” he whispers, and his heart climbs its way up to his throat and makes it hard for him to breathe. 

Phil squeezes around Dan then, and he can feel his heart thumping so hard and so fast that he think it might break. It stops beating completely when Phil whispers back, “I won’t.”

**Author's Note:**

> come and say hi on tumblr!! @[retrohowell](https://retrohowell.tumblr.com/)  
> (also thank you [anna](https://phanmoosage.tumblr.com/) for being the best person in the world ily)


End file.
